It’s late afternoon on a chilly January afternoon in 2012. I am a few weeks out of foot surgery and already my Netflix playlist has completely run dry. The seemingly four- hundred pound cast weighing my already emaciated leg down is itchy and uncomfortable. I begin to look through social media to see what everyone is up to today, on this day that my surgical handicap is at peak awareness. After a few frustrating moments of seeing snowmen, snowball wars and anything else I definitely would never do even if I didn’t have a cast on my foot, I decide thats enough social media for the day. Tears well up in my eyes and I think I’ve hit the lowest of the low. This day will be my personal D-Day, I thought.
But that day wasn’t my D-Day, and it wasn’t my lowest point. However, that day had a purpose in my life, and two years later I continue to reflect on that days purpose. And even as I write this now the knot welling in the back of my throat constricts my breathing a bit and the sting of tears hits my eyes because on that January day in 2012 as I recovered from what was my second of three surgeries I unknowingly realized I had purpose. I am purposeful. There is a purpose to my existence- I certainly couldn’t define that purpose on that day, but the wheels in my brain were turning. My parents are obviously phenomenal people- my lack of knowledge of what my purpose is- isn’t because they didn’t love me enough, or teach me enough. I didn’t know my purpose because I wasn’t allowing myself to know my purpose.
My purpose was Divinely Inspired by my Creator. In January 2012 I was a declared “who gives a crap about religion”.. which in most cases I think is worse than Atheism because I simply didn’t care, I didn’t have a burning passion- a burning belief for anything. I suffered from what I like to call the millennial generation’s gift to our culture- the “who gives a crap” emotional movement. At that time I believed the day that God stopped being an obligation was the day I started to believe in Him again, the day I will decide to “care” again. That January afternoon when I began to cry for what seemed to not have a palpable reason was the day I decided to care again.
Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. [Psalm 28:6]
My restoration of faith didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks like everyone says it does. In fact I didn’t even realize the significance of this day until recently. That outburst of emotion on that day had a purpose, I just didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know that those tears were the first sign in over two years of my faith in Christ. Those tears were my understanding and acknowledgment of His grace and mercy in my life. Thanks be to God. God is not an obligation, He is a gift, He is our prize. It took another six months, (at the time) a devastating diagnosis and third surgery for me to get myself back into the swing of practicing my faith as a Catholic.
A few weeks ago I began to think about my current purpose, I tend to get emotional when this happens because I remember that day that I had no Netflix to watch, I was in too much pain to move and I was emotionally drowning. However, on that January day, when I felt like a wasted body and like I was using up oxygen that someone else could be using- God decided on that day in particular when I felt the least purposeful, to lead me back to Him. But as for my current purpose- I think there is a few. I believe there is a purpose for the everyday- that I don’t always know or catch on too, sometimes I think I fulfill that purpose and then before I go to bed at night I like to play a fun mind game of trying to guess what that purpose was. I also believe we are all working towards our divinely chosen purpose for our life. I still don’t know that purpose- just like I don’t actually know what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes my Mom likes to inform me that I am grown up so I need to decide, but I’ve still got time.I hope to one day know my purpose but for now I hope I am doing everything I can to fulfill that purpose.
BUT WAIT HOW AM I TO FULFILL A PURPOSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW I HAVE?
I don’t know. But I do know I am doing my best everyday to live Christ like, which is insanely hard sometimes because I have more days than not that I look up to the murky grey Buffalo sky and think “ WHAT AM I DOING GOD?!”
I am trusting you God, that is what I am doing.