Today, I am okay.

If you know me at all you know some obviously things:

1.) I’m pretty freaking hysterical

2.) I’m gorgeous

3.) My humility is overwhelming

4.) but not as overwhelming as my sarcasm.

Something you may also know is that like you, I am a human and no matter how hard I attempt to sound and look as if nothing is wrong and that I am super stellar ALL OF THE TIME, I am not. I struggle, you struggle, WE struggle. We all show our struggles in different ways too.  When I am genuinely struggling with something I tend to internalize it until I basically need to explode.  I have a lot of pride in my appearance to seem successful in life that my struggles, even though everyone has their own struggles, are tucked deep inside some ambiguous pocket for no one to notice them. And just when I feel like I might explode, I recognize the need to address the ever present struggles in my life before someone else does. This time I want to share my struggle , how I dealt with it for the past year.

I struggle with control.  I struggle most specifically with the things outside of my control. Who doesn’t, right?  But for the story’s sake I’ll continue. I need to be in control of everything in my life that can be controlled.  When this does’t happen, I need something to control.  I have been going through a lot of physical, emotional and spiritual changes in the past couple of years in my life.  Again if you know me even just a little you know I went from a raised Catholic to raging Biology student and “I don’t think God exists always” back to a fire breathing Catholic in a matter of 3-4 years.  During this time I also went through numerous health issues- I was going to share some high lights but neat less to say getting tested for lung cancer and a pulmonary embolism along with some surgeries- I can’t say there were any highlights at all.  

 

Both of these photos are from this year, just over five months apart. The second I’m proud of. I’m proud of it because thats me today, my hair is unruly, and longer than it has been in over a year.  I know I’m spinning out of control from my fear of not having control when I cut my hair really, really short like the first photo. When I bust out the clippers or scissors I have a split second thought of “this wont make you more in control and right now this might make you feel like you have control but this wont last forever and tomorrow you’ll just have a basically buzzed head.” I then usually start the clippers and end up with regret mostly. To deal with my inability to control absolutely everything I want to control, I control the length of my hair. It may seem silly and ridiculous however, I have buzzed my head in a fit more than once, because when I feel out of control and when I feel like I can’t deal with life I incessantly cut my hair. Fortunately God gave me small ears and the good grace of only a few botched hair cuts, aka like those times I buzzed my head. It is a running joke that I will eventually get my hair to a length that is braid-able again- and genuinely that has been my goal since cutting it the first time. I intend to get that length again soon.  

I struggle, and I cope.