Adulthood of the single suburban girl.

I’m 24 now which basically means I’m a full fledged adult.

WHAT? STOP IT RIGHT MEOW. STOP THIS CRAZY TRAIN I NEED TO GET OFF.

That’s right, adulthood. I’m realizing everyday that adulthood has a ridiculous learning curve and can sometimes be unforgiving. Like for example when work sucks, you can’t just yell I quit when you want. In fact you have to become really good at biting your tongue until you literally taste blood. But sometimes adulthood can be cool like, after biting your tongue until you taste blood for keeping your adult job, eating ice cream for dinner is a thing. I mean if I was a preteen and was angry my mom would still make me eat all of my broccoli. Side note- when did broccoli become so delicious? Is this a side affect of adulthood?  ANYWAYS these past few months Ive learned a lot about myself and what kind of an adult I wish to be. Here are a few lessons Ive learned so far..

When wedding season rolls around and you are still your perpetually single self, OWN IT.  Don’t scramble around looking for a date so that grandma doesn’t ask you what you’re sexual orientation is again. I dare you to walk into that wedding reception without a date hanging  off your arm to prove to everyone that, yes you’re single, and yes YOU ARE FREAKING AMAZING. You see my dating life is highly private, and if I manage to continuously date someone for more then a month I’ll consider introducing them to people, otherwise you don’t need to know my status. Wedding season for me just began and I attended a wedding reception, proudly mind you, without a fake date. What was the result? A pretty awesome night of dancing and eating and drinking with my family.  I danced like nobody was watching, actually I hope someone was watching my killer dance moves. In any event I didn’t spend the night worrying what my date was doing, what I was doing and what my family was saying about the entire endeavor. I spent the night celebrating and loving life. Side note: if you have a close friend you bring as a “wedding date” but just as friends and people know that, thats cool. I’m merely stating that you shouldn’t have anything to prove to anyone because GOSH DARN IT YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AND INDEPENDENT ADULT!

When work sucks, recognize it.  Starting off an adult career, you will be at the bottom of the poop hill- and when this happens you know that all the poop will eventually land on you.  Know that in this moment it sucks, a lot.  But the cool thing about moments is, they don’t last forever.  So recognize that it sucks now, get angry, then get over it because this wont be forever. If it is forever, you’re adulting wrong. And if that isn’t enough for you to get past the work poop, buy yourself some ice cream and watch Netflix.. it’s worked wonders for me so far.

Staying up late is actually still a thing, but late went from 2 am to 11 pm.  The average day for me starts between 5 and 6 am, so staying up until 2 is not a thing I do.  Eleven pm is more my speed.  In fact I usually ask myself to go to bed, yes I talk to myself it’s called being an adult.  It’s summer for me right now so I only work full time, during the school year I go to school full time too so right now is a freaking vacation! But usually I work days, come home make dinner maybe hang out with friends if I get really crazy, then I watch some Netflix and head to bed. 11pm, people, is the new 2am.

Name brand stuff is great, but store brand stuff is your new best friend.  The other day I was standing in the bandaid aisle at Wegmans looking at bandaids for my ever present cuts on my hands. I went for the name brand BandAid when I realized the store brand was a dollar cheaper. Also fresh cherries are expensive, so if you buy a full bag of cherries totaling more then what you put in your tank of gas for your car this morning, chances are you shouldn’t buy it.  Especially if you  throw half of it out.  Being an adult is learning what you actually will eat and use and buying the best value for yourself. Best value doesn’t always mean cheapest either, kid.

Living alone is harder then it looks. Today I had a really hard day. I went home and ate some chips and drank some soda (Dr. Pepper usually cheers me up) when I realized I wanted my mom.  So I put my chips away, took my soda with me to my car and drove to my mom’s house.  I complained to my mom and in turn she fed me a proper meal and I suddenly felt better.  No matter how much of an adult you are or no matter how long you’ve been an adult, you’re never too old for mom’s home cooked meal.  Ive also come to the realization that if I get real lonely, I can call someone. Friends are great, and in times of hardship you know who your real friends are.

Lastly the politics of flaky friends are not worth your time.  If people decide to do caddy things and not include you on things you have every right as a good standing adult to get angry.  But don’t waste your time on their lack of true friendship.  At this point I actually have nothing to prove to you, if you don’t like me, fine, but lets do us all a favor and stop pretending that friendship is a possibility here. I have a lot going on and carving out time for a flake is not on my agenda, let’s agree to not be friends if thats the case. Let’s all make more time for friends, for the people that in the face of your worst moments will still look at you with a soft smile and say something supportive because that’s what friends do.

Being an adult isn’t suppose to be easy, because if it were, what’d be the point? But learn to suck it up cupcake and enjoy the life you’ve been given, all the low points with the high points.

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Peaceful Chaos

Oxymoron

…or just moron. Am I a moron?

Maybe but I’m rocking the moron lifestyle if I am.

Today is an outrageously beautiful day. it’s sunny and 75 degrees and it’s Buffalo NY, basically a miracle. Just kidding Buffalo gets a terrible rap for weather- but with the exception of the 8 feet of snow we got this past November, our weather is beautiful.

I’m sitting writing a blog post in a class, in an internet marketing class so my thought is I’m using the internet and I’m marketing myself so basically I’m doing classwork by writing this blog.  I’m in the middle of finals week and I’m wasting time writing a blog. Well I don’t think it’s wasting, you can’t get things done when you’ve got something to say.  AND LET ME TELL YOU, I’ve got plenty to say. Mmmhhmm GURL.

I’m finishing my penultimate semester in my undergraduate degree (Thank you SAT prep for that word) and I’m in five classes that honestly I don’t think I’ve learned anything in, thats another story for another day. However I’m writing about peaceful chaos. I have five finals to study for, five final projects to hand in and a fifty hour work week to complete this week. MY LIFE IS CHOAS, but so utterly peaceful too.  On my way to class today (the one I’m writing this blog in) after my 10 hour work day, I walked across Buffalo State’s campus with a coffee larger then necessary in my hand and utter and relentless joy bursting from me.  A joy that radiates from complete peace in life.  I feel today that I am exactly where I am suppose to be. The peace in my peaceful chaos.

Finding joy in life is essential. Because let’s be honest life can really suck if you let it. A lot of things happen in life that we actually can’t control and a proper reaction to certain events in life is necessary but seeking the relentless joy in life is the key to success, at least thats what I’ve found. During a fifteen hour day in which you didn’t have time to shower before hand, stop and appreciate the beautiful weather while sipping a ridiculous sized coffee for five minutes. I’m not saying thats exactly what I did today, but like thats exactly what I did today. I’m sure the funny looks I was getting wasn’t from the goofy smile I had on my face but actually the way my hair is situated on my head from not showering and driving all day with the windows rolled down. But it also could be my body oder. In any event, YOU CAN’T KILL MY JOY TODAY YOU LITTLE JUDGMENTAL BUTTS.

Be relentless people, relentlessly joy-filled.

My struggle is real

If life were easy, what would be the point?

In moments of great frustration I speak these words out loud to myself until I don’t just hear the words coming from my mouth, but I comprehend the words coming from my mouth. I don’t know why life throws such ridiculous curve balls at me, but I’ve learned over the years to not dodge them, but to get a good glove and try to catch them. Going through life dodging and ducking from hardships is going to lead to a life of exhaustion and feeling of failure. Embracing hardships is exhausting, but working through them and doing what is right in the end has a quirky feeling of success in the end.

Being a late bloomer as a college student when I was 18, at 23 as a college student in undergrad still I’m making up for it ten fold. It took a life altering medical diagnosis, that wasn’t life threatening but life changing, to knock this lazy apathetic kid into ragingly busy and aggressively ambitious “adult”. “Adult” is in quotes because I don’t want to be an adult, but I am.  My days recently consist of waking up well before the birds start chirping, and yes in -15 degree weather the birds still chirp, to actively get ready while my mind focuses on the day a head. I leave my house between 5:30 and 6:30 to work full time in Sales.  I’m constantly driving and talking, and introducing myself and selling and being wildly charismatic all. freaking. day.  After I am done with work I usually head straight to school where I sit in a lecture for 3 to 5 hours and learn about business or finances. Then I usually get home between 9:30 and 10pm and realize the bagel I ate at 6:30 this morning didn’t have the full days worth of calories I should be intaking, let alone the servings of fruit, vegetable and protein I need as well. While I plan for the next day I cram food into my mouth then I usually plan my outfit for the next day, pack my bags and head to bed.

When I was 20 I didn’t work and I didn’t go to school. In fact I sat on my butt and recovered from surgeries while I did nothing but drink coffee, watch Ellen or Law and Order SVU. I did this for a year, A YEAR PEOPLE. And while in my present life I find myself with struggles I sit here writing this thinking about the most difficult times in my life and it was when I felt like I didn’t have a purpose in the present. I know now that my purpose for when I was 20 was self healing and self loving. The struggle of losing a major joint in my ankle while developing severe arthritis in my knee and hip from a birth defect was the biggest struggle I had ever dealt with.  The subsequent recovery time in which I could only sit around seemed to be the bigger struggle that took me the three years after that time to truly overcome. And yet there are still days, like when it’s a pleasant -15 degrees outside, that I find myself still at day one of that struggle. I know that I’m not, but sometimes life rewinds and any progress I think I made comes to a dead halt.

I often find myself writing about purpose, and how we all have a purpose. I do this because it’s true, and also that was a major struggle I had not that long ago, recognizing my purpose and loving myself in spite of my purpose not being as cool as a fighter pilots purpose. I am fortunate to have a solid support system, and while they don’t always necessarily understand what it is that is in my brain, they are there for me to verbally punch if I need to, or even if hugs make everyone uncomfortable in my family, they’d still offer one if I needed it. I guess the point I’m trying to get at is as long as you are a human you will struggle. Some of your struggles are bigger than others. You may think no one understands or that you are alone, but you aren’t. Your struggles are unique to you so no one is going through the exact same thing, but everyone is going through something therefore there is a bond in that.

Open your heart to someone else’s struggles, have patience in your most frustrating moments and comprehend the words “If life were easy, what would be the point?”.

Love with relentless joy and recognize the reality of your struggle.

New Years

2014

Another year has come and gone right before my awestruck eyes

The year on the calendar doesn’t match the year in my head

Another year has come and gone and I’m standing here wanting more time

Time stands still when you want it to, but you can’t live a year in a day

Another year has come and gone and I’m another twenty grey hairs older

it’s been a great year, but next year looks even better.

Gratitude

Thanks to the nifty app called “Timehop” I can look back at all the things I posted in the past years to my social media accounts. Today, December 20th in 2011 I posted a status about being two days recovered from my second of three ankle surgeries. The post was optimistic and nice which wasn’t the true reflection of the recovery process for that surgery. It was my second of three surgeries of which I was only suppose to have one surgery. I opted out of physical therapy for my second recovery, and it was a Buffalo winter when I had surgery. This was the “easiest” surgery I had and the most difficult recovery I went through. The post I wrote on day two of recovery was optimistic in the face of a depression filled recovery. I was facing the lowest part of my life, the part when if I ever considered suicide, it was then.

I decided to entitle this post gratitude because I’m three years removed from that day, the optimism of that day foreshadowed the future of health and joy I would eventually experience. In two weeks I embark on a 6 week intense health and nutrition plan to truly feel healthy again. I think of that time three years ago that I tried to hold on to the ounce of optimism I had in me to recover and hopefully walk again, to three years later when I am not just walking again but making strides to a healthier lifestyle.

I have gratitude for how my life has worked out so far.

Peace (out),
Caitlin

Sucker punched by love

That feeling you get, the feeling that literally makes you feel like you just took a sucker punch to the gut.  I wouldn’t know the feeling because I have a really great way of letting people know that it’s a bad call to punch me (with one brief accidental incident, Bets) Also I’ve been told my mom is super scary, but mostly I live in a classy suburb with only mild fights happening is schools that usually end up with earrings and hair pieces on the floor but I didn’t wear earrings or hair pieces in high school so, obviously I never participated in sucker punching fights.

But back to my scary mom for a second. Or like a paragraph or so.  My mothers joy and love radiates from her like the sun radiates light, pretty freakin’ awesome.  There was never, and is never a question in my mind of my mothers love for life in general and her spouse, children and newest addition to the fam- grandson.   I know that I am loved and I know that she loves me so unconditionally that it’s sometimes hard to comprehend.  So how can love be sucker punched into you if you already are immersed in it everyday?

Let me tell you how, bro.

So if you know me at all you know I went through a rather short life altering, sidewalk-smacking-me-in-the-face reality check.  I had a whole slew of health issues that turned out just fine, however living through those moments I didn’t know what my future held.. so it was much more dramatic then than it is now.  Everyday since returning back to a normal slice of life I look back to my recovery years, my physical emotional, and spiritual recoveries.  Lately the theme of my reflections are love, unconditional, ever powerful love.  I am loved.  I thought I knew this well until I found myself getting a blood transfusion in a hospital bed the day after I coded while trying to leave a hospital.  I don’t remember much from those few days, I was in and out of sleep and the only reason I was ever out of sleep was to argue about using the bathroom or arguing about eating. However I remember those days as terrifying, unsettling and yet peaceful.  I wasn’t down for more than a few minutes at most but I remember having peace. Peace with the life I lead and that if I didn’t wake up it was for a reason. I fulfilled my purpose if I died and I was at peace with that.  But I’m alive still, so my purpose has not been fulfilled and I am jubilant to still be here.  When people asked me about that I never say much, I don’t want to say “Hey I was at peace if I died, but I didn’t so we all good”. I didn’t want to say that because my mother (and later) father who were standing in the room when I coded didn’t feel much peace about their 21 year old daughter coding.  For those moments I was coding my mother was inches from my face pleading with me to open my eyes, something that for as long as I live will never forget. Her nervously stroking of my hair and her terrified tone in her voice. She just wanted to see the whites of my eyes to know I was okay.  When I started to cry hysterically without opening my eyes my parents had to be escorted out of the room.  The next day I woke up feeling considerably better with a fuzzy memory and I was awaiting a blood transfusion.

This was over two years ago, I’m still feeling the affects of this sucker punch.  I am loved, God placed me in a home of unconditional love that was evident from day 1 all the way until now even though I’ve put my parents through the ringer that one time in the hospital. They say life is too short to be hung up on the bad times, and I understand this better more and more with each passing day.  I’m still alive, I’ve got only mild environmentally polluted oxygen to exchange with my CO2 in my lungs, I’ve got a super awesome family and friends that choose to love me which is actually really beautiful. I have the ability to recognize the beauty of life which can be a rare ability today.

Today I am good.

“Don’t laugh at me, one day you’ll be me.”

Its the age old moment most daughters have at one point; the realization you have picked up one of your mothers sayings or mannerisms. There are days I question if they cloned my mother and I was the result.  I am not complaining by any means, as I have come to the conclusion that if I am half as loved and give out half the love my mother has- I will live a good life. 

But man oh man am I my mother. You know those suspenseful action packed moments in television and movies that are created for you have a classic “DON’T DO IT WHAT ARE YOU THINKING STOPPPPPPP!” moment followed by the covering of the face and the immediate “I told you so, gosh you’re such an idiot!” Well that is my mother- and apparently me too now. The other day I went to see Captain ‘Murica and basically wet myself from the suspense and the “OH NO STOP IT AHHHHHHH!” suspense littered about the movie. It was a good movie, and like most good movies made me leave thinking about a lot of things but mainly the thought of ‘when in the world did I turn into the kid in the movie theater covering my face and muttering jibberish throughout the whole movie?’ WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?