Hi friends, I’m back!
I have had a lot on my heart that I wanted to write about. I don’t know who reads this (it’s been over 2 years since my last post!), if anyone does at all. I needed to get this out in real words to really apperciate these thoughts. I’m in a really great place mentally and emotionally, probably the best I’ve been my whole life. Its weird too since my job is stressful and I – like most Americans my age – live most of my life on a serious budget even though I make decent money. But never the less my friends, I’m happy.
You see if you’ve followed me at all the past 2 years on other social media sites you’ll know I had a massive brain bleed 2 years ago. I stunned neurologists by my fight and overall survival spirit. I’m a medical marvel and a medical miracle but for a long time I didn’t see it that way. I might sound like a broken record and I know I talk about this a lot lately folks, but if 2 years has taught me anything its that miracles do happen whether I want to admit it or not.
I spent months in a hole unable to express to those even closest to me my lack of desire to live. I lost my faith, a lot of my closest friends and my will to find joy in everyday. I was just going through the motions of living knowing all too well I could never end my own life because I’ve already put my poor family through enough. I suffered in silence not because my family and friends abandoned me, but because I abandoned myself along the way. I didn’t want help and I didn’t think I deserved love, I retreated and let those relationships suffer for a long time. I truly believe you must first marinate yourself in the darkness before you can soak in the light that is utter joy. And lordy lordy did I marinate in that darkness kids. But thats what makes my utter joy better, today. My darkness is a stark contrast to the light I soak in to today. Don’t get me wrong- I still have days where I fantasize about ripping peoples faces off with my bare hands for sport out of frustration- but after that passes I go back to the light. It’s weird I can feel it in my face, my eyebrows are no longer permanently furrowed and occasionally I can find a smile on my face – two things in darkness that I lost.
I still go for yearly brain scans, the blood vessels in my brain are too unstable not to monitor still. The scan I had last year was supposed to be my all clear for 5 years but that is simply not the case. It sometimes makes me nervous, the instability of my brain, if I am being honest. Nervous to drive my car, my death might not be preventable the next time this happens but I certainly hope I don’t kill someone else in the process. Nervous to spend a lot of time with my family because I don’t want my brain to explode and have them holding me as the life vacates my body. Nervous to fall in love or to have children because losing a wife or a mother premature must be devastating and knowing that is a real possibility for my future spouse and children is unbearable. But I guess the important thing is to see my life after this as a second chance. To treat each day as a gift because its another day here living. Another day I get to tell my momma I love her. Another day I get to send my friend (who I met after my brain exploded) a cat meme at work instead of working. Another day I get to make a ridiculous instagram story where I serenade my cat with a Whitney Houston song at 2am. Another day I get to spend meeting new people and learning about them, having an impact on their life while they impact my life. When I think about it the people, the places and the things I’ve got to do these last 2 years is far too great to die before experiencing. While I’ve had my tough days of digging myself out of my emotionally draining hole for months on end my life went on. I got to do some pretty cool things, see some pretty cool places, met some pretty awesome people and reconnected with family and friends I never seemed close with before. Almost dying, ladies and gentleman, can have it’s perks- it makes you realize how much you stand to loose if you died young, if you died unexpectedly if you died with more regrets than happy memories. It also maybe guilts people into loving you more!
If you’re still with me reading this horrifyingly dark blog post, kudos. I took a swift turn midway through, sorry about that. Sometimes those thoughts still circle my busted brain. Like I said sometimes I have days I’m afraid to leave my house, I feel the fragility of human life exceptionally greater than I should. But most days I wake up knowing its a gift, with the intention to step with the best footing forward. To take life’s adversities in stride and to see people for who they really are- not what people have said they are. If I have another 60+ years here on Earth I intend to treat that time as a gift like I do today. I hope to see each day as a gift, even the bad ones. But if I don’t wake up tomorrow I think I’m okay with that. I fear death like a normal person but I have been given such a gift and a beautiful life that if I have nothing left to give this world, whenever that time maybe, I will be content with my earthly presence ending.
Talking about a journey in life can be heavy- it can feel heavy and impossible too. Sometimes it takes time to process whatever it is you are going through in order to talk about it intelligently with someone. Thats okay, knowing this about yourself is exceptionally intelligent too. I want you to know I’m ready to talk about my journey and I’m ready to listen to yours. It doesn’t have to be heavy and dark, it can be light and appreciative for the gift of today. So if you need to talk to someone this is your invite to talk to me. You don’t have to go through the good times or the bad times alone if you don’t want to. I am here, without judgement and with a desire to listen. If you need to talk, I’m here. Reach out, call, text, email, message me here, run me down in the real world if you must. DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO PEOPLE, I’m highly reachable.
Find me on the book of faces: facebook.com/gurlfrancaitlin or instagram: @caitlinjanesullivan
Thank you for reading, you’re truly a champ for sticking it through to the end.
walt and jane together again 